I Give Up!

I am not sure where to begin. Today has been eventful. Emotional. Overwhelming. Exhausting.

It started a week ago. On January 1st around 10:15 pm I received a phone call. An attorney for the municipality in Tocoa was looking for immediate placement of three children. Maybe it was because I was already asleep. Maybe it was because of the urgency I heard in her voice. Maybe it was because God knew what they needed. I said yes. Three kids arrived shortly before midnight.

Arvin 5 Months

Jose 10 years old

Perla Samantha 6

Their mother was shot four times and sent to a hospital in La Ceiba. They had no place to go. The only person that was able to help care for them was a grandfather that was now helping the mom in a different city. I knew when I said yes that the reality of them staying was going to be for more than one day. That is just how things work in this country. It always ends up being at least a few days. Sometimes longer. I told the attorney they could stay until they had a safe place to send them. I texted my mom an update on the situation and her reply was "that could be never, lol". Funny, yet not so funny.

These children came with one outfit and one pair of shoes. The baby, which is a boy, had on a pink sleeper when he came. Lucky for them we have a house of plenty. We have supporters that send us clothes and were able to pick some good outfits for them. 

A week had passed and the kids were looking for information about their mother. Knowing she was in critical condition all I could tell the kids to do was pray and wait, but for now they were in a safe home and their needs were taken care of. Perla returned five minutes later and said, "I am leaving soon, my mom is getting better." I could only hope she was right. While scrolling through the phone book of my phone I recognized a new name. It dawned on me that the name was also the new director of the hospital that their mom was sent to. I started to ask for a favor and research information looking for any bit of news I could give to the children. I went to bed with NOTHING! 

This morning I woke up. I texted another friend from the same hospital to see if anybody could give me any news. NOTHING! Then two hours later I see a message, I blink as I read the following: "she is dead". My heart sank. I began to wonder if that was why the attorney was not answering my calls. As I sat in a chair trying to focus on paperwork, but contemplating what to say to these kids I had a knock on my door. I crack it open afraid to see Jose or Perla. It was Tania. I was relieved. "Mama Lauren, there is a lady at the gate and she wants to see you." I grabbed my keys and walked out the door hoping it was the attorney and thinking she may this hard task away from me I sighed.

I find this...  meet Gloria and one of her daughters.

Gloria was sent to us by the local health department. She says hello and looks like the sun was too much so I have her come inside. She immediately looks for a chair and collapses. With tears flowing she begins to share her story:

She has aids. When she was a little girl her mother sold her to a couple. The man sexual abused her and gave her a present she would never forget. A present that would cost her her life. She has three children. I cannot remember any of their names, but it is only midnight and I have been on an emotional ride since before the sun came up this morning. Forgive me. I will post their names in the morning. The oldest daughter is 11, the second oldest (shown above) is 8, and the youngest is a 5 year old boy. Her husband died, from aids, when her son was a baby. She is alone. She is scared. She has no support. She needs help. She is still trying to work a little, but no more than three days a week. She grabs my hand and says, "I can't do it anymore." Her oldest daughter notices she is gradually becoming more sick. She is weaker. Because her daughter told her mom they needed to know where they could go tomorrow if she was gone she came looking. She has tried to continue to be a mom, a dad, and a provider for as long as she could.

I needed a break. I asked her to give me a minute to check on Jayden. It was a lie. I knew Jayden was fine running around getting into trouble. I went to my room and collapsed. "God, I give up! I can't do this job any more!" We have no more beds! We don't have support for all of the children we have! We don't have support for all of the ongoing projects! She has a need. I cannot help. She has a NEED! How can I say no? I stare at my phone contemplating who to call. Do I call the states? Do I call my husband? I can't take three kids home with me. That is WAY too much. I also know I cannot keep them on the projects because we DO NOT have the funding. Crying I call my mom. Mom can always make me feel better, right? I was hoping. A female did not answer the phone. Not that my dad greeting me is bad, but I was wanting a good listener. Dad is good at hugging and fixing, not really listening. (Sorry!) I ask for mom, he puts me on speaker. I HATE SPEAKER PHONE! Oh well... I could not hold back any longer. "I QUIT MY JOB!!! I cannot do this any longer!" They ask whats up. I give them the scoop. Wiping snot off my face I lift my head and see Sandy is behind me listening, supporting, comforting from a distance. My dad asks about the new kids we have been waiting to receive since the end of November. IHNFA... They always have something else and it is always on their time. He proceeds to say, "You have the kids, they have the need, just get the papers and work on the funding." That is all I needed to hear. I think I ran out of the door. (I know I did because when I came back to the bathroom I had black streaks down my cheek. Gloria had to know I had been crying.) I run out to tell Gloria the list of things I need from her to make the transition. We call the lab and I sent her immediately to get blood work for the kids. They are negative! PRAISE GOD! The attorney is working on papers making us legal guardians so it will be permanent, and tomorrow it should all be completed. Before Gloria left I gave her a hug and told her I cannot imagine what she was going through, but that would be here to help support her through each and every process. She is moving into a room that the Pastor of her church has been renting. The agreement is for her to pay as she has it. If she can't work they will figure something else out. Leaving her children must be one of the hardest things for her. Walking away wanting to watch them grow old. Wanting to see your grandchildren. Knowing you will never have that chance and waiting for the ticking of the clock to stop each day. I cannot fathom. I cannot help ease that pain. I can hardly bare to try and comfort her kids during this transition. All I can do is love. 

I have cried off and on ALL DAY! My eyes are puffy. My head is aching. I am annoyed with everyone. I am so emotionally drained at the moment that I have nothing left to give. Don't even ask for a glass of water! Pray for me over the next few days. I need strength and wisdom. I need to know how to help and what to say. I still have some bad news to share with some little kids.

We also need sponsors! We need 225 people to give $100 each month for the next year. We need to consider that fourth casita. Today an additional security guard started. I am meeting with potential teachers. I am looking for the best private school for the four girls moving on into high school they have to be registered by the 15th. All of this is because of the support that you help provide. 

Thank you! Thank you for the problems that you help solve! Thank you for helping us make a difference! Tell your friends. Tell your family. Tell your church community. There is room for everyone to get involved. The need is great and I really HATE saying we cannot! God has enough in His Kingdom. We just have to make sure we are doing our part!