Green with Envy!

Lately at the Gates of Hope I am having issues with girls fighting jealousy, greed, and envy. The words that come from feelings of jealousy only lead to feelings of hurt by the other party. That hurt then turns to anger and eventually retaliation. It is really a vicious cycle. That same vicious cycle follows us our entire lives! From our youth, to adulthood, marriage, families... It is there!

What if we all paused in those moments of bitter hurt and frustration? What if instead of retaliation we hesitated for a moment and prayed? What if when we felt anger we sought Him to fill up our hate tank with love to the brim so it could do nothing other than pour out in every area?

I am trying to convince the girls to imagine what it would be like to be the other person. In order for me to teach them, I must first do this myself. Lately, I have been in the middle of a lot of gossip, hate, and accusations. I have been dealing with people going over me with a magnifying glass looking for areas in my life where I am at fault. In the beginning I shrugged it off. Then as I heard it begin to grow and realized the gossip lines were ringing non-stop, I got mad. I was hurt, so I began to feel angry. Then I became bitter.

A wise person came along and like a mother hen helped pick me up and brush me off. "Lauren, stop giving them validation! If I could go to them and put a stop to it, I would!" Something about those words resonated inside of me. First, she believed in me. Second, she helped me realize I was giving the crazy talk power and letting it rule me. I quit wanting to work. I was become frustrated with the kids. I was angry at the job I was doing. I let the words being spoken hurt my core to the point where I questioned why I was going to continue working. If I don't do my job it will cease to exist because I don't see any of the pointing fingers down here by my side helping raise me up to be able to continue. That just continued to push me down, but only because I allowed them to. Then I wanted to retaliate. Any speckle of an issue that they thought I had in my life was minuscule compared to the unjustified gossip and judgement. Then I realized I had started to point my finger back. Worse I felt Gods tug... "Hey kiddo, their actions do not justify your reactions! Love. I gave you love!" But God... Mine are just thoughts. I am not shouting from the mountain tops!! And none of their complaints are currently justified!

Sometimes God stops responding. Why should He waste time speaking to a deaf person? Thankfully, THIS TIME, I was smart enough to finally shut up and listen.

Love. Sprinkle it with love. I was taught to love. It is easy for me because I had a great teacher. I had Him. On top of my Abba Father, I had great parents that taught love. It isn't easy for everyone. And sometimes one word, one look, or even one moment of silence can cause hurt. Hurt will always turn to anger in the end unless we seek Him first.

Things I am learning: AGAIN!

Don't give words the power to rule you and keep you doing what you know is right and true.

Don't be afraid to be real, to be you, even if it means you are going to hit nerves with people. When a person has a deep wound sometimes it takes cleaning it out and hitting nerves that will cause pain before it can heal properly.

Never stop, not even for a minute, believing that God will use every bit of the bitterness experienced in life to bring Him glory!

Always rely on Him. He never stops guiding and bringing direction or providing protection!

1-800-Pest-Man!

Its over guys. My world is coming to an end! I am turning thirty!!! The last year has been full of changes in my body, hair, mind, and anything else I am forgetting to mention. A few months ago I remember commenting on looking forward to it. Women in their thirties are beautiful to me. Twenties is just fun, but there was something about thirty that seemed dignified, elegant, luxurious even. I dreamed of having a real birthday celebration for a change. Actually being surrounded by friends. Old and new. Thinking that all my old girls who are also now at this same corner stone would be around to help celebrate the loss of my youth.

It didn’t happen! None of the glamour I “thought” was going to happen seemed to appear. To make matters worse I began to re-evaluate the situation. This happens a lot! When I see the need that surrounds me and start to feel depressed the first thing I do is contemplate WHY I AM HERE! WHY HONDURAS? I can’t help it! I am still human.

Adding to my emotional retardation... It has been raining a lot! I MEAN A LOT! Like I cannot drive through town because the water is up over the hood of the suburban. This means that bugs, insects, and rodents are looking for dry ground. They are forcing their way inside my humble aboad. As if the normal couple of them that I find sleeping with me are not sufficient I now have an army of roaches living in the house. I pick up a shoe and one crawls up my leg. I move a cabinet door and there is another rat staring at me. This, sadly, is my breaking point!

I can live with having someone that I know personally being killed every week for a cell phone. I can live with kidnappings. I can live with no electricity 50% of the time in this crazy town. I can live with never having enough water to bathe or finish washing the dishes and laundry. I can live with the ignorance of making me stand in line for two hours at a bank to have me reach the counter and tell me there is no system. BUT DO NOT ASK ME TO LIVE WITH ROACHES! I can kill spiders. I can kill snakes. I cannot, however, for the life of me kill roaches and rats. They reproduce on an hourly basis I swear! PLEASE SEND ME TRULY NOLAN!!

Dealing with creatures makes me contemplate my existence on this earth. Sad, but true.

After spending all day crying over my miserable life that I at some dumb point in my life “chose” for myself. (Yep, stupid me, I make dumb decisions that plague me for life.) I read a message from a sweet friend wishing me a happy birthday. This woman was a scrap book queen, best mom, decorated for EVERY holiday ever, and now… Now she has mastered sending all these cute picture messages via facebook. Almost like bookless scrapping. Looking at her message made me jealous. She made me miss home. She made me think about the exotic vacations I used to take on a regular basis. She made me think about the glamorous life I once lived. And part of me missed it. I miss the nice things. I miss pretty pedicures, spa treatments, beautiful clothes that had their own jewelry and shoes to match everything. But then my friends message also put me back in check.

I commented on her post dreaming about meeting some place around the Bahamas for another adventure. She replied, “I think of that day more often than you realize.”

I was puzzled for a minute. Why God? What was so special? She still travels. It is me that does nothing fun. She still lives that life. Why does she think about that day? With me? It was nothing, just fun.

“Don’t let off the throttle!!” It was a day of adventure with crystal clear water. It was also her first time sitting on a jet ski. She was scared and nervous. Silly to some, but it was kind of a big deal for her. We were in the Carribean Sea on a jet ski. Trying to calm her I began to give her some instruction. “Look, whatever you do if you see a wave, don’t let off the throttle. Push through it.” Sitting on the back, letting her take control, I was concerned. All I could do was encourage, guide, and remind. “Don’t let off the throttle!”

It was one of my favorite experiences EVER! I had so much fun that day that I think everyone needs to experience it. However, God is also using it as a life lesson for me.

Things here are sticky, stinky, and dirty. Actually, a lot of things here are ugly. Yet, I am surrounded by His beautiful creation. This country is gorgeous. PLUS! Every time I get scared, nervous, or want to give up and go back to my pretty life I get this nudge… “Don’t Let Off The Throttle!”

He has called us on purpose and with purpose. He uses all things to work for His good in His timing.

No matter where you are or what you are doing. You are here, now, in this very moment reading this babble by me ON PURPOSE.

Press in, lean forward, and keep pushing on that throttle. You cannot just walk away because it looks dark and dirty or hopeless.

I can’t imagine what happened and the feelings that were incurred as the Israelites questioned God as they wandered for 40 years waiting to get to the promised land. 40 years!! He provided for their needs and He was faithful seeing them through. What if they had thrown their hands in the air and said forget it? What if they had committed mass suicide because it was “too much”? What if they surrendered to the roaches and rats and allowed themselves to be carried into the ugly rat chambers and eaten alive? Yes, they questioned. Yes, they doubted. Yes, they had fear. They were human. But they pushed forward anyways and He was faithful!

So no matter what… Don’t let off the throttle! And flick that crazy roach back into its filthy nest and run for the RAID! Or just call the pest man! ;) God always answers your calls.

I am with you!

My heart just melted a little more. A few of my kids have started to leave the "Mama Lauren" out of the equation. Mami is what is becoming the popular term. The first time I heard it from one of the older girls I thought it was a joke. It was always common among the younger kids, but not the teens. I was used to Mama Lauren. It didn't make me uncomfortable. People on the street said it down to most of our vendors. But Mami... It leaves more room for me to hurt and cause damage. It means more responsibility. It means I have to do more and be more. However, I just realized it is also a formal/permanent part of the family. Family is exactly what we are!

Today, a very precious and special friend lost her husband. As I began to feel helpless and useless because I am so far from her when she needs support the most I guess my countenance began to change. The kids started to notice something was different. One of them quickly became my shadow and grasped my hand following me every where I went. I was trying not to inform them of my thoughts at the moment. In my mind too much still needed to be completed and I did not have time for the distraction or emotional break downs.

Trying to continue to focus on life and the tedious tasks, I broke. A rush of memories came all at once. Thinking of road trips while we were still single. Making iced coffee and never getting
 it "just right". Sleepovers as young adults that involved almost no sleep before getting up to work. Giggle fests and pig outs on nasty food I will no longer touch with a stick. Tears shed from young teen memories, fears, and hurts. Boyfriends, weddings, husbands, children... Even though we are far apart now, the "friend" is never far away. I lost some tears and couldn't hold it back. I wiped them away and tried to move on, but was FEELING the pain and sorrow with my friend and her family.

Then I hear... 

"Mami, if you cry I am with you." 

IMPACT  

It began to flow out before I could think twice. As I began to share the details of my friends loss I found myself surrounded by the girls. One by one they found me and sat at my feet. They showed support and maturity as they began to pray for my friend and her children as they walk through the next chapter in their lives. They were standing in the gap for a woman that they have never met, but I assure you they see pieces of her all around down here. Feeling so helpless, but so blessed in this moment. Resting in knowing that He is there. I was reminded of Isaiah 41:10 as the Bible tells us He is with us. Genesis 28:15 and even in Acts. It is spread far and wide... He is there! 

It doesn't matter what we are facing. Fear, worry, loss, anger, hurt... The list goes on, but the promise is the same. He is there. In the midst of it all! Much like my kids holding my hand and walking through it all with me and just because it is important to me today. He won't leave or hide. He will stay and through it ALL, HE IS THERE! The BEST family we can have is found in Him! Better than a mom that clings to her newborn trying to protect it from harm, He is there.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.