Value...

                                            Okay God, I will...

But Not TODAY!

                               Yes God, I will...

                                    Please, just not today!?           

Even if you don't want to admit to it, you and I both know you can relate. The tug to give. The urge to help. The nagging push to do something different. The intrusive shove to speak up and make a difference. In some way each one of us knows exactly what I am talking about.

For a while I have been avoiding the telling of a story. Why? Why do any of us do this? We are all human! We all need help! None of us are perfect. Yet there is still part of us that we try and hide. It just can't be seen by the public eye.

Not too long ago, I lost a baby. I tried to remain quiet. Miscarriages happen. Life goes on. It seems really common, what do I have to say that would make any difference. The loss happens. The pain endures. Physical, emotional, relational... There is junk to deal with. Junk that affects every area of life.

The cause? According to the doctor and according to Mr. Know It ALL, I mean Nilsson, it is my fault. Not that it is MY fault, but the lack of taking care of myself type of MY fault. You see part of the issue started after hauling 100 lb. sacks of rice with a nine year old. Why did I do this? Because there was nobody else around and if I didn't do it then it just wouldn't get done because we don't have the help here that we need. This lifting, even today, is causing problems. Because I didn't have the time to allow my body to heal properly I still am having major cramping. Which again, is MY fault. 

Aside from physical issues there are the emotional issues. The day it happened I didn't take the time to process it all. I walked away and continued working because I had things to get done. This only led to days followed by weeks of just focusing on working because there are jobs to complete. This isn't necessarily bad. However, I am secretly mad at my husband. Why? Because I am female and hormonal. Because he wasn't there to help me, hold me, love on me and say it was going to be okay. Because for him, it almost didn't happen. For him it was just a story I told him because he wasn't around to experience it with me. He never saw it. It is almost as though it isn't real. Not his fault, it is just a guy thing maybe. He is supportive, but wasn't that day in my opinion because he was not physically with me. Worse... He can't FIX it! Ouch! Some of you may be thinking "dumb girl".  Its okay, I think it about myself all the time. I know deep down inside he isn't supposed to fix it, but as a woman we want the man to fix everything, right?

My mother told my father who left secretly in the middle of the night driving on a dangerous road at 4 am and only to go bury the fetus. He made a little grave. This made me upset because he risked his safety to do this, but it also means the world to me. The burial disturbed me because I have never seen it with my own eyes and cannot find it. I only have this picture.

Nilsson is blaming the work I do, and resenting the ministry. He tells me I need to learn the word no. This is true. I am getting better, but I cannot fix the past. He gets upset because he sees how everybody just demands more from me and I am determined to save the world so I try to perform. The truth is people don't know the true cost of ministry.

I am trying to manage this...

Gates Of Hope	Casita #1	Casita #2	Casita #3
Tia Mirian	Tia Sandra	Tia Flor	Tia Nidia
Angi	Kyla	Mileny	Sandra
Eili	Sebastian	Edyn	Wilmer
Fabiola	Thomas	Carlos	Joel
Waleska	Josue	Engleis	Reina
Tania	Carlitos	Adan	Karla
Maryuri	Jonathon	Junior	Nicole
Amelia	Manuel	Jonathon	Katerine
Lorena	Blodimir	Yahir	Evie
Yami	Jona	Noe	Keylita
Eyeni	Briana	Mario	Wendy
Estefani	Alexandra		Fany
Esther			Jasmin
Nohemi			Brandi
Jose David
Saidi
Amalia Nohemy Amalia Joslyn Geovanny Esther

I have 59 people living on property that I am trying to manage. Each one with their individual issues, medical needs, disciplinary challenges, and school problems which is all handled WAY different from in the states. There are three kids that are coming during the day while their mom is undergoing medical treatment until school starts and they will be full-time. There is the random police drop off for temporary stays which seems to happen at least once a month. There are feeding stations, employees, families, and kids that all bring their own set of issues to the table. There are teams that come stay and work which is supposed to be a huge help and blessing, and is always amazing, but sucks up a LOT of my time and energy.

Today there was a lady that came knocking on my door at 8am asking what I was doing. I was a little annoyed because I had actually just walked into the bathroom. I was up until 3 am catching up on papers, searching for documents, and with a medical emergency from one of the casitas. I had to be up at 6 am to take four of our oldest girls to orientation because school has already started and now have to plead for mercy on their behalf because they don't have the uniform they need. I had to take Jayden with me at the last minute because we have an unreliable employee that didn't show up on time. My son still had not eaten breakfast and I was being called to a lumbar yard because there is no translator with the team. That quick trip to translate turned into me getting back to the house at 4:30 this afternoon and only getting about half of my urgent list completed for the day. I finally gave my son something more than a juice box, raisins, and cookies for the day and I get called back out of the room because of a new school issue with supplies that are needed tomorrow so I still haven't eaten all day. I also have no clothes to wear tomorrow because I have not been home nor had time for myself to wash them.

I have Americans ask really dumb questions like what I do all day. Then I take them with me for a day and they want to go back to their hotel room by 2 to take a nap or they call it quits at 5 and retreat. When they leave me, my day begins. I come home to girls that need counsel, love, affirmation, and the list goes on. I have tias that are giving everything they have to children that are coming from abuse and quit a few actually have mental retardation from lack of nutrition in early childhood. So my tias are drained and needing to suck some life out of me so they can keep giving like they do. I have security guards that get called to help be a driver and lawn man, oh and by the way can you go to the second feeding station and help because there is a problem with that stove.

I have had people ask what sponsorship covers for these kids implying the cost is expensive. $350 a month is nothing. Divide out what your home spends a month between housing, electric, food, water, private school, medical care, transportation. That is what we provide! Unfortunately I can't find another tia as dumb as me to work this hard for free so we have to pay our house moms and security guards. Our cost is SO much higher to care for these kids the way we really want to. They don't get to go out to the movies or out to dinner unless a team comes down and sponsors it. They don't have weekend get aways or family vacations. THEY SHOULD!

I guess maybe I needed to share what life is really like. The real cost and I do not mean financially. It is easy to send money and ease your conscience, but what about offering a hand? I need help. I have been inspired lately by a lady that cannot fulfill a need we have herself, but knew someone who could so she sponsored his trip. How perfect!! We can't keep doing all of this on our own. It took me some physical/emotional pain and loss to realize this, but I am going to learn from it. 

How long has He been telling you to do something, but today you don't want to, maybe tomorrow? How many times have you said wait? The timing is all wrong! If it doesn't cost you anything to get here than you aren't supposed to be here. If it looks like you could never do it. You never have the time. You never have the money. Then this is exactly where you need to be. Stop waiting. Yes God, but not today, isn't being obedient. He wants more! And it is going to cost you.