I am with you!

My heart just melted a little more. A few of my kids have started to leave the "Mama Lauren" out of the equation. Mami is what is becoming the popular term. The first time I heard it from one of the older girls I thought it was a joke. It was always common among the younger kids, but not the teens. I was used to Mama Lauren. It didn't make me uncomfortable. People on the street said it down to most of our vendors. But Mami... It leaves more room for me to hurt and cause damage. It means more responsibility. It means I have to do more and be more. However, I just realized it is also a formal/permanent part of the family. Family is exactly what we are!

Today, a very precious and special friend lost her husband. As I began to feel helpless and useless because I am so far from her when she needs support the most I guess my countenance began to change. The kids started to notice something was different. One of them quickly became my shadow and grasped my hand following me every where I went. I was trying not to inform them of my thoughts at the moment. In my mind too much still needed to be completed and I did not have time for the distraction or emotional break downs.

Trying to continue to focus on life and the tedious tasks, I broke. A rush of memories came all at once. Thinking of road trips while we were still single. Making iced coffee and never getting
 it "just right". Sleepovers as young adults that involved almost no sleep before getting up to work. Giggle fests and pig outs on nasty food I will no longer touch with a stick. Tears shed from young teen memories, fears, and hurts. Boyfriends, weddings, husbands, children... Even though we are far apart now, the "friend" is never far away. I lost some tears and couldn't hold it back. I wiped them away and tried to move on, but was FEELING the pain and sorrow with my friend and her family.

Then I hear... 

"Mami, if you cry I am with you." 

IMPACT  

It began to flow out before I could think twice. As I began to share the details of my friends loss I found myself surrounded by the girls. One by one they found me and sat at my feet. They showed support and maturity as they began to pray for my friend and her children as they walk through the next chapter in their lives. They were standing in the gap for a woman that they have never met, but I assure you they see pieces of her all around down here. Feeling so helpless, but so blessed in this moment. Resting in knowing that He is there. I was reminded of Isaiah 41:10 as the Bible tells us He is with us. Genesis 28:15 and even in Acts. It is spread far and wide... He is there! 

It doesn't matter what we are facing. Fear, worry, loss, anger, hurt... The list goes on, but the promise is the same. He is there. In the midst of it all! Much like my kids holding my hand and walking through it all with me and just because it is important to me today. He won't leave or hide. He will stay and through it ALL, HE IS THERE! The BEST family we can have is found in Him! Better than a mom that clings to her newborn trying to protect it from harm, He is there.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

There is NO place like home!

I was hesitant to write about gratitude this year. You know how sometimes you get in a depressing rut and don't FEEL it. That was me today. I am bummed. I have to spend another holiday in a country that does not understand, nor truly embrace my customs. Like, who doesn't sell cranberries? Or sweet potatoes? Or turkeys for less than $10 a pound? SERIOUSLY!! Oh, and this blew all of my happiness out of the water! Wait for it... This is good!

This morning, I wake up and get Jayden to sit and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. TOTALLY STOKED! The one thing that will bring me closer to feeling "at home". What do I discover? All of the U.S. channels that we get are blue screens! NOOOOO!!! Can you imagine the disappointment I felt in that moment. I should have stayed in America and not returned to this little country until after the new year. We were already sad as we took our seats that day on the plane. Really, I sent a picture of our faces to my parents. You want to see?

Pathetic, right? We were not too excited!

I came "home" and it has been a whirlwind of catching up and calming things down. Never a dull moment here. It has been a frantic period of trying to spend some quality time with family before the next team, but complete all of the tasks on the "to-do list". While many of you were prepping for holiday meal times, I stood in long lines at banks. Thankfully, was not turned away from the counter because of a failing system either! That is always a good day!

Last night, I decided to try and forget about the sorrow I was feeling with not having a real Thanksgiving. I decided to jump over the big turkey-day celebration and focus on Christmas. I was hoping I would not grieve the absence of family today if I "forgot" there was such a thing as Thanksgiving. I put up our new tree! All of my Christmas decorations are still in the States. Jayden has not had a tree in Honduras. This year a friend blessed us with some extra money and I was able to buy a new tree and all the pretties! I think it is the first tree of color that I have had since I was a very little girl. I carried my mothers tradition of trees decorated in elegance and beauty and let go of the funky fun colors, till now... Picking out the decorations I had to think of the kids. So now I have fun colors. Still undecided as to if I like it or not, but I LOVE that I finally have a tree! Another thing to be thankful for!

The thoughtfulness I put into "skipping" Thanksgiving just haunted my innards. It did NOT work! It was worsened as I reviewed the FaceBook newsfeed. Every friend, near and far, and my entire family making some dumb comment about how wonderful it was to be with family and friends and how yummy their turkey turned out. Really guys? Way to make a girl feel like crap! Then, my sister... Oh, she posted the sangria picture. That brought the tears. It wasn't so much about the food, the parade, the weather... NO! Not the sangria either! It was knowing everybody was home, and I am not. I was bummed!

I did the video chat thing with my parents and siblings. It didn't help. I was missing out!

Then, I had a knock at the front gate. A little annoyed for an uninvited interruption of my grumbling sorrow I peeked out the window to see who was there. I saw these little faces. I went out to see what they needed, and yes, it is raining here. They asked if I had warm clothes or food for them. Little clothes are always sucked up by the orphanage so I couldn't help. Food, I went to the refrigerator to get them some lunch. It is not turkey dinner, but a meal they were thankful for! I loved seeing their smiles and grateful hearts! It melted mine.

I came inside and about an hour later there was another knock. Again, it is raining hard! And again, it is little girls. This time, the fridge was bare. I just gave away every leftover I had saved away. I open the freezer and see a few hotdogs. I heat them and serve them up on sandwich bread because I have no buns. They didn't complain. Only smiled and thanked.

This made it okay for me to be in Honduras on a special holiday. Yes, I would rather be with friends. Yes, I miss home. If me being here on another holiday means that one of these girls didn't have to sell their body to eat today, I am okay with that. It is more than worth it! I just wish I had all of the scraping off of your plates. And the left-overs that you will eventually throw out over the next week or so.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my family and friends back home! I thought of you today. I prayed for you today. I missed you today. I hope you realized how many things you are truly blessed with and even the little bits of things that we have to be grateful for!

You're Gonna Get Hurt!

I think I say those words at least 50, yes, you read that right, 50 times a day. I have Junior Evel Knievel growing up in my home. He is only 15 months, but someone forgot to tell him he was not an adult when he was born. I find him on top of kitchen counters, above the t.v. stand, pushing chairs and stacking boxes to reach the top of the refrigerator. NO EXAGERATION!  This is the same kid I watch push this little car thing, then hop on top and surf! Yup, the entire time I am screaming "You're gonna get hurt!"  

It makes me wonder how often God does this with us. I am sure that every bad relationship, bad business move, pre-mature church plant, and way to soon move into a foreign country was prefaced by, you know it, "You're gonna get hurt!"  Now, if God knew what was coming down the road, why didn't He stop us? Right? Not really. As many times as I forewarn I cannot prevent every fall, fail, and heartbreak that will be experienced. God may be able to prevent things in the same way a parent is able to intervene. We don't always stop bad things from happening though, do we? Part of the way a child grows and blossoms becoming an inteligent, independant critter we just want to lock away for a while is by letting them learn from their mistakes. If you go back to the Garden of Eden. Yep, WAY BACK into Genesis... It all started by us having free-will. We had one rule to follow, but it was our decision to make. It was not forced. We were warned! There were, and still are, consequences to that action just like there is to every action made every day.

We can go back to basic physics. Good Ol' Newton... To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction. No matter what we do in life we will get a reaction. There is no "get out of jail free" card. Sorry. I find it interesting how I talk with people that have some random encounter with God and "got radically saved". If you truly have had one of those encounters, don't let me take your joy. It can be a great thing. If it is what you want! What you truly want!!! However, I find that many people are just reaching out in the midst of their crisis. A guy just got caught with 5 kilos of cocaine. He decides to "surrender" to God out of the fear that is gripping him. Oh God can, and will, take your life and drastically change it. Just don't expect Him to take away that verdict of a jail sentence that was just announced. He isn't some genie in a bottle for you to rub when you need Him. He is there for you to call on. He will love you. He will walk with you every day as you return to your jail cell. He can even be an escape, but He isn't your "prison break".  Do you remember that still and small voice that was tugging at the back of your heart? The one that said, "You're gonna get hurt!"

We all have it every day. Just like a parent. God cares. He loves. His heart aches as you ignore His voice. A tears rolls down His cheek when He sees the pain and suffering. He is still there. He may not be the head of the prevention or intervention center. You won't find Him there. That isn't His role. He is president of Comfort and Peace Chapel. He will hold you when you are haunted by your darkest fear. He will carry you when you can no longer bear your burdens. And He will wipe your tears when you in the midst of your deepest sorrows. He picks us up when we fall off the highest mountain, even if He told us not to go their in the first place. We may face physical therapy to over come the physical damage, but He holds our hand every step of the way.