I am with you!

My heart just melted a little more. A few of my kids have started to leave the "Mama Lauren" out of the equation. Mami is what is becoming the popular term. The first time I heard it from one of the older girls I thought it was a joke. It was always common among the younger kids, but not the teens. I was used to Mama Lauren. It didn't make me uncomfortable. People on the street said it down to most of our vendors. But Mami... It leaves more room for me to hurt and cause damage. It means more responsibility. It means I have to do more and be more. However, I just realized it is also a formal/permanent part of the family. Family is exactly what we are!

Today, a very precious and special friend lost her husband. As I began to feel helpless and useless because I am so far from her when she needs support the most I guess my countenance began to change. The kids started to notice something was different. One of them quickly became my shadow and grasped my hand following me every where I went. I was trying not to inform them of my thoughts at the moment. In my mind too much still needed to be completed and I did not have time for the distraction or emotional break downs.

Trying to continue to focus on life and the tedious tasks, I broke. A rush of memories came all at once. Thinking of road trips while we were still single. Making iced coffee and never getting
 it "just right". Sleepovers as young adults that involved almost no sleep before getting up to work. Giggle fests and pig outs on nasty food I will no longer touch with a stick. Tears shed from young teen memories, fears, and hurts. Boyfriends, weddings, husbands, children... Even though we are far apart now, the "friend" is never far away. I lost some tears and couldn't hold it back. I wiped them away and tried to move on, but was FEELING the pain and sorrow with my friend and her family.

Then I hear... 

"Mami, if you cry I am with you." 

IMPACT  

It began to flow out before I could think twice. As I began to share the details of my friends loss I found myself surrounded by the girls. One by one they found me and sat at my feet. They showed support and maturity as they began to pray for my friend and her children as they walk through the next chapter in their lives. They were standing in the gap for a woman that they have never met, but I assure you they see pieces of her all around down here. Feeling so helpless, but so blessed in this moment. Resting in knowing that He is there. I was reminded of Isaiah 41:10 as the Bible tells us He is with us. Genesis 28:15 and even in Acts. It is spread far and wide... He is there! 

It doesn't matter what we are facing. Fear, worry, loss, anger, hurt... The list goes on, but the promise is the same. He is there. In the midst of it all! Much like my kids holding my hand and walking through it all with me and just because it is important to me today. He won't leave or hide. He will stay and through it ALL, HE IS THERE! The BEST family we can have is found in Him! Better than a mom that clings to her newborn trying to protect it from harm, He is there.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

L.O.V.E.

Think about it for a moment. LOVE. When you see that word what do you think of? What does it mean? A word so little, but SO BIG!  Love...

One word. Many meanings. A word that can penetrate. It goes deep.

If you grew up in a good home then you have a decent grasp of the word. Yet, just a grasp! If you grew up in an abusive home then you have no idea what the love of a parent feels like. You do, however, know what you longed for. Good past, or bad, each of us have a deep desire for love. God created us that way. If you have kids, you know a different kind of love all together. More of an unconditional love.

Today, I got to receive love. Give love. Watch love. In many ways, love is action.

All of our girls have been abused in some way. Emotionally or physically, not one seems to have escaped it. One of our girls has been abandoned repeatedly. Rejected by her mom when she was two, she was sent to live with her father. Her dad found a new woman that didn't want her around so a few months later she was sent to her grandmother. The grandmother said she was a burden and cost too much so she sent her to IHNFA. IHNFA placed her in a foster home where she was mistreated and neglected to the degree of crying hysterically if I raise my voice while giving correction. She knows no love.

This morning I was busy trying to get my January report finished. I know the month is not over, but I want my work to be over so it is one less thing I have to do this weekend. I was filling out papers to finish payroll and adding numbers and kept seeing a face in the doorway. A pacing silent shadow in my peripheral vision. A little annoyed over the distraction I went to see who it was. I asked her to come inside the room. She stood behind me as I worked and said nothing for almost half an hour. Finally, I set my things aside and looked at her, "Aha? Whats up?" Her head dropped. "Is something wrong?" Silence. Her distance concerned me, but I figured she needed a moment so I answered my ringing phone. Finishing the conversation I sat back down next to the mess of papers. I felt a hand touch my arm. I turned and pulled her close. Hugging her I felt something warm on my arm, soon followed by a sniffle. "I just want to be loved."

Sometimes I lack for a response.

What do you do? Sometimes all I can do is hug. I can assure her. But the truth is that I can only show a small bit of how GREAT His love is. She knows the sting of rejection all too well. It is time to show her what it should have been. I cannot undo the past, but I can influence her future and some of that is by showing her a love that is true and pure.

She isn't the only one that is in need. You see people that are hurting every day. What are you doing to show them LOVE?

Sometimes you just need to stop, let everything around you sit, and spread some! I mean LOVE! Don't get confused! ;)

Do your part, Be His hands! Spread His love!

I didn't deserve that!

I have a hard time receiving help from friends and loved ones. I kind of like to think that I can do it ALL. And I mean ALL ON MY OWN!

I have had a special person staying with us off and on over the past month. She is one of a kind. I wish I could express how much she means to me. I almost feel as if I am being accompanied by Mother Goose every where I go. She always seems to have time to help. She is SO organized. I am not organized at all and always seem to run out of time. I always have something left to do. Being around her makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to be more patient. More loving. More helpful. I fall short compared. WAY short! I hope one day with time and experience I will be as wise. Now that my little tangent about my failures is over I can get back to my purpose of writing. SHE HELPS ME!

Any task or job I have and am working on, she helps me complete it. If I spill something all over the floor (I am super clumsy!), she helps me clean it! If I am working on paperwork that takes me months to complete, she helps me finish it!  If I forget what I needed to get done, she keeps me on track. The truth is I need a copycat version of her beside me ALL the time. Or maybe she will stay and never leave. (PLEASE GOD!!!) A few days ago I made lunch and was just finishing eating, she was already at the sink washing dishes. It embarrassed me. I hopped up to go try and grab the sponge and start washing. It was my mess. Why should she clean it? She told me to go do something else because she could help. The first thought that crossed my mind was "I don't deserve this!"

I don't deserve much of anything! Do you? Nope!

Does it really matter? NO!!!

We have GRACE! I LOVE His GRACE!  I NEED His grace!

Ephesians 2:8 ~ It is by His grace that we are saved!

1 Corinthians 15:10 ~ We live by the grace of God! (I am what I am because of Him.)

2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ His grace makes me strong!

I love Titus 3:7~ That being justified (justified means to be declared righteous) by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.  

MEANING: I get to inherit eternal life. I don't have to work for it! I don't earn it by good deeds. I am given it freely through love.

Definition of God's grace - Unmerited Divine Favor!
Something my daddy taught me. This is also why I get to be a Kings Kid!

What is favor? - Websters says:
(a) Friendly regard shown towards another especially by a superior.
(b) Gracious kindness
(c) A special privilege or right granted or conceded
(d) Something done or granted out of goodwill, rather than from justice or for remuneration.
(e) Excessive kindness or unfair partiality or preferential treatment.

I am favored. Not just by God, but I am favored among men! I don't just want to receive favor, but I want to shower people with favor! I want people to know me for spreading gracious kindness!