The Unspoken

Why is it that most of the time the days we feel the MOST joy we are smacked in the face with an overwhelming sorrow?

She was scared and nervous. The doctor asked her to change and put on a gown. She looked at me for assurance. I can only imagine that her hesitation was really fear that gripped her. The only male interaction she has ever had was unhealthy and full of abuse. I nodded to her hoping to push her along and she slowly proceeded to do as was asked of her.

As she walked in with her new ugly robe she sat on the edge of the bed with hesitation. She laid back as though it hurt her the closer she got to touching the cold vinyl. Again, I just smiled.

The doctor explained that she would be able to watch the big plasma that was hanging on the wall in front of us. As he began to move the cold jelly tickled her slightly. I looked up and saw a hurricane on a screen. I giggled. “Do you realize what that is?”  She shook her head harshly, but didn’t ask for an explanation. “Wait, you don’t know what that is?”  I scratched my head no believing what she just said. “IT’S YOUR BABY!!!!!!”  She didn’t smile. She didn’t nod. She didn’t react at all.

“WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!” The blur on the screen bounced around like a Mexican jumping bean. I was elated. She showed NO emotion at all. Suddenly, I fought back tears. “Lauren, you seem ready for another child.” I didn’t know what to say. I am, I think. “Yes, one day…”  I was smacked in the face with a big glop of jealousy, envy, and a side of anger. I wanted to ask if she didn’t realize that there are thousands of woman crying for a child and they are waiting for an answer for prayer. The emotion of every miscarriage I had overwhelmed me. Why? I immediately want to ask God why her? Why not me?

She just turned 13 only two weeks ago. She was twelve. She was twelve when she was abused day after day. Her mother knew nothing. She was afraid of the reaction that would be thrust upon her if she spoke negatively of the mom’s current lover. So she stayed silent.

She wanted none of this. She is now forced to raise a creation she wanted no part in making. She gets to do it without her blood family. I wanted all of it. I dream of holding another baby. The worst part of it all? I allowed my emotions to get in the way of a serious ministry opportunity. AGAIN!!!

Why do I do this? Why is it such a struggle to set ourselves aside and focus on another for more than just a few minutes? Why did I not consider how I would feel if I was her? She is lost, sad, scared, and lonely.

That is her reality.  Now is yours really that bad? Find your joy! AND KEEP IT!!!

Just Another Lump Of Clay

Out of the many people that come and go… There are few that stick around forever. This is something we all know very well. Each person that comes to the homes in Honduras definitely leaves their mark behind. All of them special and touching in their own way.

They all bring certain stamina to help us continue or bits of motivation. Some of the new ones help catapult me to the

 next level. It is odd though. The old ones, the seasoned ones, the ones that I had long forgotten and then suddenly re-appear… It is those that seem to keep me going for the long haul.

Having Teachers. Counselors.  Friends. Pastors. The significant relationships that helped create who I am… I am talking people from my past. It is currently my past that is pushing me forward. Normally I would neglect my history and focus on my future. Despite what my old history teacher taught me to do with learning history to avoid major pitfalls in the future. I want to keep my eyes straight ahead and look for what is coming down the road. But what am I driving? Where is the energy coming from? What is it made of?

Today, I had sort of an Aha Moment! He is the Potter, and I am the clay. I am still clay. And I always thought of Him as THE POTTER. Then, as ridiculously elementary as this is I remembered the hands
of The Potter. Nowadays, His hands are referred to as the church. And frankly, I, like many of you, have issues with what we now call “the church”. Back in the day, however, the church was a community of people. For Stephen it was small groups of people in homes. People that were hands. The hands of the Potter. I am clay. Clay that has been pushed, smashed, nearly destroyed, and molded back together. Not just by Him, but by you. By the people that love me. The people that KNOW me. The people that raised me. The people that molded the people that raised me. It takes more than parents to raise a child. It takes a community. My family did a great job, but so much more was left pressed, pushed, shaped, and molded by teachers. Pastors. Friends.

I find great motivation in having people that know who I was, and those that helped create who I am, come see and be a part of what I do. It drives me.

The fingerprints that have been etched in my clay are molded into my hands. My hands that now touch the lives of young ones around me. I leave my print, but in essence, I leave yours.

Value...

                                            Okay God, I will...

But Not TODAY!

                               Yes God, I will...

                                    Please, just not today!?           

Even if you don't want to admit to it, you and I both know you can relate. The tug to give. The urge to help. The nagging push to do something different. The intrusive shove to speak up and make a difference. In some way each one of us knows exactly what I am talking about.

For a while I have been avoiding the telling of a story. Why? Why do any of us do this? We are all human! We all need help! None of us are perfect. Yet there is still part of us that we try and hide. It just can't be seen by the public eye.

Not too long ago, I lost a baby. I tried to remain quiet. Miscarriages happen. Life goes on. It seems really common, what do I have to say that would make any difference. The loss happens. The pain endures. Physical, emotional, relational... There is junk to deal with. Junk that affects every area of life.

The cause? According to the doctor and according to Mr. Know It ALL, I mean Nilsson, it is my fault. Not that it is MY fault, but the lack of taking care of myself type of MY fault. You see part of the issue started after hauling 100 lb. sacks of rice with a nine year old. Why did I do this? Because there was nobody else around and if I didn't do it then it just wouldn't get done because we don't have the help here that we need. This lifting, even today, is causing problems. Because I didn't have the time to allow my body to heal properly I still am having major cramping. Which again, is MY fault. 

Aside from physical issues there are the emotional issues. The day it happened I didn't take the time to process it all. I walked away and continued working because I had things to get done. This only led to days followed by weeks of just focusing on working because there are jobs to complete. This isn't necessarily bad. However, I am secretly mad at my husband. Why? Because I am female and hormonal. Because he wasn't there to help me, hold me, love on me and say it was going to be okay. Because for him, it almost didn't happen. For him it was just a story I told him because he wasn't around to experience it with me. He never saw it. It is almost as though it isn't real. Not his fault, it is just a guy thing maybe. He is supportive, but wasn't that day in my opinion because he was not physically with me. Worse... He can't FIX it! Ouch! Some of you may be thinking "dumb girl".  Its okay, I think it about myself all the time. I know deep down inside he isn't supposed to fix it, but as a woman we want the man to fix everything, right?

My mother told my father who left secretly in the middle of the night driving on a dangerous road at 4 am and only to go bury the fetus. He made a little grave. This made me upset because he risked his safety to do this, but it also means the world to me. The burial disturbed me because I have never seen it with my own eyes and cannot find it. I only have this picture.

Nilsson is blaming the work I do, and resenting the ministry. He tells me I need to learn the word no. This is true. I am getting better, but I cannot fix the past. He gets upset because he sees how everybody just demands more from me and I am determined to save the world so I try to perform. The truth is people don't know the true cost of ministry.

I am trying to manage this...

Gates Of Hope	Casita #1	Casita #2	Casita #3
Tia Mirian	Tia Sandra	Tia Flor	Tia Nidia
Angi	Kyla	Mileny	Sandra
Eili	Sebastian	Edyn	Wilmer
Fabiola	Thomas	Carlos	Joel
Waleska	Josue	Engleis	Reina
Tania	Carlitos	Adan	Karla
Maryuri	Jonathon	Junior	Nicole
Amelia	Manuel	Jonathon	Katerine
Lorena	Blodimir	Yahir	Evie
Yami	Jona	Noe	Keylita
Eyeni	Briana	Mario	Wendy
Estefani	Alexandra		Fany
Esther			Jasmin
Nohemi			Brandi
Jose David
Saidi
Amalia Nohemy Amalia Joslyn Geovanny Esther

I have 59 people living on property that I am trying to manage. Each one with their individual issues, medical needs, disciplinary challenges, and school problems which is all handled WAY different from in the states. There are three kids that are coming during the day while their mom is undergoing medical treatment until school starts and they will be full-time. There is the random police drop off for temporary stays which seems to happen at least once a month. There are feeding stations, employees, families, and kids that all bring their own set of issues to the table. There are teams that come stay and work which is supposed to be a huge help and blessing, and is always amazing, but sucks up a LOT of my time and energy.

Today there was a lady that came knocking on my door at 8am asking what I was doing. I was a little annoyed because I had actually just walked into the bathroom. I was up until 3 am catching up on papers, searching for documents, and with a medical emergency from one of the casitas. I had to be up at 6 am to take four of our oldest girls to orientation because school has already started and now have to plead for mercy on their behalf because they don't have the uniform they need. I had to take Jayden with me at the last minute because we have an unreliable employee that didn't show up on time. My son still had not eaten breakfast and I was being called to a lumbar yard because there is no translator with the team. That quick trip to translate turned into me getting back to the house at 4:30 this afternoon and only getting about half of my urgent list completed for the day. I finally gave my son something more than a juice box, raisins, and cookies for the day and I get called back out of the room because of a new school issue with supplies that are needed tomorrow so I still haven't eaten all day. I also have no clothes to wear tomorrow because I have not been home nor had time for myself to wash them.

I have Americans ask really dumb questions like what I do all day. Then I take them with me for a day and they want to go back to their hotel room by 2 to take a nap or they call it quits at 5 and retreat. When they leave me, my day begins. I come home to girls that need counsel, love, affirmation, and the list goes on. I have tias that are giving everything they have to children that are coming from abuse and quit a few actually have mental retardation from lack of nutrition in early childhood. So my tias are drained and needing to suck some life out of me so they can keep giving like they do. I have security guards that get called to help be a driver and lawn man, oh and by the way can you go to the second feeding station and help because there is a problem with that stove.

I have had people ask what sponsorship covers for these kids implying the cost is expensive. $350 a month is nothing. Divide out what your home spends a month between housing, electric, food, water, private school, medical care, transportation. That is what we provide! Unfortunately I can't find another tia as dumb as me to work this hard for free so we have to pay our house moms and security guards. Our cost is SO much higher to care for these kids the way we really want to. They don't get to go out to the movies or out to dinner unless a team comes down and sponsors it. They don't have weekend get aways or family vacations. THEY SHOULD!

I guess maybe I needed to share what life is really like. The real cost and I do not mean financially. It is easy to send money and ease your conscience, but what about offering a hand? I need help. I have been inspired lately by a lady that cannot fulfill a need we have herself, but knew someone who could so she sponsored his trip. How perfect!! We can't keep doing all of this on our own. It took me some physical/emotional pain and loss to realize this, but I am going to learn from it. 

How long has He been telling you to do something, but today you don't want to, maybe tomorrow? How many times have you said wait? The timing is all wrong! If it doesn't cost you anything to get here than you aren't supposed to be here. If it looks like you could never do it. You never have the time. You never have the money. Then this is exactly where you need to be. Stop waiting. Yes God, but not today, isn't being obedient. He wants more! And it is going to cost you.

Just My Paradigm...

CLAIMER: It is late and there are probably typos. I will proof it later. LOL

One thing that is great about being in Honduras and working on the projects is the unity that is brought amongst churches. It has been great to see how God brings people along side of us that help support and carry the vision of Open Doors through to completion in many areas. It is encouraging to me when I see long time friends and family take an interest and support something we are doing because it brings affirmation.

That being said, there are somethings that I really do not like. One of those things is a common question asked by close friends... What do you need?

Tonight, I had a friend write to me asking what I needed. My instant reply is that He has provided and I have no needs. That is said from the bottom of my heart. He is my constant supply. He called me to this. He gave me this burden and passion. He will supply every major and minor NEED that we have. Then it gets worse. I mean, what do you need. As in me personally? Nothing!

My mom just snipped at me and told me to not be prideful. I snipped back. It is what I do best, she IS after all my mom. "Pride? Do I not walk with you through stores and ask you if you NEED it? Is that not what I always do?" She nodded and went to bed. Only because she knows my true heart.

I live in a third world country, NOT first world! Let me give you some examples...

In the United States (First World):

We need a larger television to watch the Super Bowl.
We need a new computer because our memory is totally consumed.
We need new shoes because nothing in the closet matches that new dress.
We need new jeans because we gained too much weight over the holidays.
We need a new car because our warranty is almost expired and our child is almost 16 anyways.
We need desert because we are just not satisfied after that big steak dinner.

In Honduras (Third World):

I need water. (I currently collect rain water to bathe with and would love a hot water heater)
I need a decent car. (I get break down late at night on back mountain roads and no phone signal with my son WAY too much!)
I need a pair of shoes. (My one pair of flip flops lost their flip and no longer flop, but shuffle.)
I look out my window and need clothes for the neighborhood. (Half of the kids are naked or almost naked because the poverty is SO HIGH.)
I need some rice and beans so I can feed a few hundred kids the only meal most of them will have that day.
I need some medicine because one of the areas in need of a feeding station is too poor to get transportation to seek medical help at the public facilities so a baby has pneumonia.

You may call me prideful. I view it as being realistic. A real need is what is found in the third world column. The rest... WANTS. I "want" a lot of things. Something that I would LOVE is to just have additional funding so we can build that fourth casita and save some more kids. I cannot of course say this to people every time they ask my needs.

I don't expect you to understand me, but please don't judge me. God has placed a burden that BURNS in my heart! You will never fully understand, and that is okay. Just accept it for what it is and pray! PLEASE!!!

I am so thankful for the offers! I lack for nothing! I miss luxuries, but I don't want them. I want to continue touching lives and changing futures.  I want to meet the true "NEEDS" and share His love. I want to continue saving girls from sexual torture. I want it SO badly and SO strongly that I gave up the First World and live where I can only SEE the Third World no matter which country I reside in. I wish it were contagious because frankly being in the United States is making me SICK!